Sunday, October 11, 2009

My back hurts...

..because I have been steam cleaning all day. Something about days off makes me have this desire to fill that time. With Monday off, my eager beaver attitude kicked in. The couches we have in our living room are fantastic hand-me-downs from my Aunt Melinda and Uncle Mark, but they have definitely seen their better days. They are a lovely cream color...in most places. Other places are dingy cream...or worse. But for traveling all the way from Arkansas last year, they are in pretty darn good shape. The back cushions are essentially just over-sized pillows and they have lost most of their "oomph". On Saturday I got the idea to cut the inner pillow open and re-stuff them. I tore the old padding out and fluffed it and put that back in to the pillows with some extra stuffing we got at a fabric store. I am proud to say that they are now as supportive as they were in their days of youth.

After hand sewing the pillows back together, I decided that my beautiful dingy cream colored spots needed to see their days of youth, as well. I went out and rented a carpet cleaner with an upholstery attachment. I'm a little frustrated with the lady at Lowe's, though...she didn't tell me how bad it sucks to use a carpet cleaner. What seemed like 1,000 hours later, my couches were finally all cleaned and now my living room is a maze of damp, but clean, cushions that are trying their hardest to dry. Tomorrow I will be so excited that my couches are clean...especially when I remember the disgusting water that I emptied after I finished cleaning...but tonight I'm exhausted.

In other news, school is great for both of us. Most days/periods we love what we do...which is all you can ask of any job that doesn't involve setting your own hours or working on the beach. Church is fantastic as is our small group. We have been really challenged lately spiritually and are grateful for every minute of it!

A couple weeks ago, we went to a wedding of one of Justin's high school friends and sat at a table with several of his friends, as well. We had a BLAST. Lisa (the bride) was randomly friends with one of my friends from junior high/freshman year in Texas and she was at the wedding, as well. I LOVED getting to talk to her, but the whole night got me thinking about my life. I spent junior high and my freshman year here in Texas and then moved to WV my sophomore year. My parents then moved back to Texas after my freshman year at A&M...which has left me in a very weird position. I haven't seen (much less talked to outside of facebook) high school friends in five years. Five years. I don't see them when I visit my parents or come home from Christmas. They all live on the other side of the country. For some reason, the wedding we went to reminded me how lonely my situation is. I don't really have old friends here in Texas...I missed so much of their lives when I lived in WV. Granted, I have a few very good, old friends here in Texas that are such a blessing. But I only have a few. And my high school friends in WV live different lives than I do way on the other side of the country. When I think about my time in WV, I wonder how many people even really remember me. I was barely a blip on their radar--most of them had lived their for their entire lives and I essentially spent only 3 years there.

I am not saying any of this to be pitied...I have a fantastic husband, great family, and perfect friends. But I feel like I'm missing this huge part of life that everyone else has. I'm not sure if I will ever even have the opportunity to go back to Charleston...and if I did, who would I see? I'm not sure if I will ever go to a reunion...how would I fit in with these people I haven't seen since high school?

All of this has led to my insecurity. In church on Saturday the focus was on the passage where Paul says to "immitate me as I immitate Christ." They had members of the staff film and talk about their most difficult issues that they are still working through and explained what they were doing to overcome them. There were stories about dealing with spousal infidelity, wild children, poor life decisions before Christ, and many others. It was VERY encouraging. Their were a few that resonated with me, but one in particular was insecurity. I feel like having these odd relationships alllllll over my past has made me very insecure about relationships in general. Am I good enough? Will people want to hang out with me? I have let my past dictate to me that the answers to those questions are a resounding "no". During the service, I just prayed for the Lord to wash his grace and mercy all over my insecurities. I know he had a plan for my life in taking me to WV and away again and it was NOT for me to feel as if I am not good enough for friendships because I don't have many long-term ones. PRAISE THE LORD that He has given me sweet college friends, sweet family friends, growing friendships here in Cypress, and a fantastic best friend in my husband. I still ache for my memories...but I know he has plans for my life beyond this moment regarding those memories and experiences.

Wow...I didn't intend on going into so much detail on that...but I think I needed to work through it myself.

Thanks for listening...:)

Go clean a couch...you'd be AMAZED at the filth you are sitting on!