I have always had a heavy dose of guilt. My parents say they hardly ever had to discipline me because I would be so upset with myself.
I still do that CONSTANTLY.
Today I was driving home from work remembering a conversation I had TWO YEARS AGO with someone. In it, I represented myself poorly and the Lord even worse. I'm probably extra hard on myself, but that's what I see when I remember this comment I made about someone. As I was remembering this, a HUGE wave of guilt washed over me.
As I was literally drowning (my heart sinks and I always get slightly dizzy when these waves of guilt come on) in this wave, I kept bringing back other conversations, crappy personality traits, etc. I literally can't count the times I've been ridiculously selfish. I can't count the times I've argued with someone about something STUPID because I HAVE to be right. I can't count the times I've been rude. I felt like the only purpose of this guilt is to remind how incredibly sinful and awful I am.
And I am. I am selfish, rude, a know-it-all, and did I mention selfish?
And when I think about the fact that I am still dealing with the same issues as I was in high school, college, even last year, it reminds me of how much more I need to let the Lord do in me. But then my earthly self tries to get me down again--"it's just who you are, you'll never be able to change" or "it's a part of your personality--why does anyone like you?"
Wow. Satan LOVES to beat me up. Like crazy beat me up. If we were judging this beating on the scale used in high school girl fights, there would be weave all over the floor. (this is the criteria for an "awesome" fight according to my students)
And the sad part is that Satan uses ME to beat me up. He uses what I am. Or was...
...and then the Lord reminds me I am redeemed.
...there is no condemnation for those who are in Him.
...and the good work He started He will finish to completion.
And praise Him he is God! Because that's how big you have to be to change me. What my sinful nature wants to be sucks. Hardcore. I mean, He needs like bulldozers and cranes and one of those giant magnet things to pick up the trash that is in me.
But what the Lord has in store for me is a heart like His!?! And I say that with a question mark because it still is AMAZING to me that He wants to take me and make me that incredible.
...I just have to let Him. Wow.
Lovely thoughts to end a long week.
And on a much less serious and shallow note--I recently purchased Nike+ shoes and adapter for my iPod. I love it! It knows how far I have run and encourages me as I run. It keeps track of calories, distance, speed, etc. I have never been able to run so much all at once in my life. I'm up to 2 miles without walking. Hello?! Up until now, the best I've ever done in a row is a mile and a half. My thighs are like "hello, muscles. Nice to see you after such a long hiatus. This toned look really suits us." And it's all thanks to Nike. And determination. Now if my rear would get on board with my thighs, we'd all be happy. :) TMI? Yes, probably.